I had my 40h birthday in the holidays, da da daaaaaaaaaaaaa! As much as I thought I wouldn't be bothered about it, I really was, idiot!!
We had a great break away with my folks, and I dragged them around all my favourite places in Cardiff, we were really blessed with the weather. My dad coped well with the fact that we weren't eating or drinking at 'normal' times but were on hotel breakfast and mini man tea times. The hotel breakfasts were so good, and quite frankly so massive, that we didn't need food until about 4 which was perfect for mini man and saved us queueing in restaurants. The kids coped with being walked the length of Cardiff and the Bay, and I managed to conquer my fear of heights and finally walk up to the top of the castle keep. Hub coped with me buying coffee out, 'how much? I could buy the company for that!!!' , and we all had an amazing time.
The day of my birthday dawned, I walked around the corner to our breakfast table and my lovely family had put banners and balloons up all around it. For one second I could have cried, I couldn't deny my age as it was emblazoned for all to see. It was such a lovely thought to make such a fuss of me. The placing of the table was perfect for all the other small people travelling with their parents to ask 'Is that lady 40? wow that's old!!'. I recovered quite quickly and I felt ashamed of myself for feeling that way, I should have known better. I know too many people who have lost loved ones, that would have loved to celebrate their 40,50,60, 70th birthday with them, I was being an idiot and I knew it.
It's not the grey hair that bothers me, goodness knows I have enough of it and I've been getting greyer since my mid 20's. It's not the extra lines on my face or the white eyebrow and eye lash hairs, I don't mind ticking a different box on questionnaires or being old enough to have teenage children. It's the fact that as I rush around from day today, time seems to be passing too quickly, and I am losing too many people on the way.
I have so much I want to do, so much I want to try, I want to make a difference in our world, and I feel frustrated that I don't seem to be able to fit it all in. There just aren't enough hours in the day, and hub and I seem to spend increasing time, doing things that have no eternal value, and stressing about them and the impact that they have on us and the family.
For me, turning 40 has been a real eye opener. It has put into sharp focus the things/people/jobs I really value and doing my very best for them. Now I have gotten over the shock of actually being 40, I intend to try and stop stressing and looking for what is really important.
I have carried on with my house junk blitzing, so that I can cut my housework down, which as you know is my major bug bear!!! I went into nursery this morning, and led some music with some very excited small people. I didn't bother straightening my hair, which is an amazing time zapper, and it always goes frizzy anyway :) I had the joy of seeing my gorgeous friend's daughter read her fantastic Edwardian diary entry whilst drinking tea and eating cake with my friend :) Yesterday I ran around like a loony so I could fit in the mundane, must do jobs, and still fit in some time spent with my mum in law and have a walk along the beach. Hub and I have found that we can both take youngest for a quick run around the park, whilst middley has his drum lesson, and be back in time for me to go to rehearsal. Although, I did have to run out of the door without my shoes on so that youngest didn't notice me go for an hour or two!!!!
To say I'm shattered is an understatement, but it's worth it. I won't be able to keep up this pace forever, but whilst I work out what I need to do now, later or never, I will be doing my very best to get on with it. The next month will be tough, lots and lots of school work for me to fit around family and the lovely things going on at church I'd like to be involved with.
I will embrace my 40 something years as time to do and not to worry. Please remind me of this at every opportunity, as I am a terrible worrier and although I'll fit in as much as I can, I can't promise that I will always have time to put my shoes on, have tidy hair or a tidy house, but hey I can live with that ;)
Sxxx
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